I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
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Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”