I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
You Might Also Like
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
stand with me against insufficient seating
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.