I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
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If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone