did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
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Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Breaking news:
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Which wines pair best with gloating?
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”