A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
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[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
did it work
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
“Huge”.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop