I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
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Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today