I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
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“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Get in loser we’re going crying
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Breaking news:
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *