I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
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I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.