I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
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My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]