[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
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The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.