Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
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I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
mariah carrie
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?