“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
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[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.