@TheGoodGodAbove: I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn't be breeding anyway.
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@MidlifeDish: "This is the last time I'm going to tell you!" *Biggest lie parents tell kids "And I mean it." *Biggest lie parents tell themselves
@AimeeHelene1: *hears someone breaking in* *grabs gun and walks down hallway* *cord drags* *realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt* *gets shot*
@kristensauce: Things Red Bull has given me: 1) jitters 2) diarrhea 3) a heart attack Things Red Bull has not given me: 1) wings
@JediGigi: Interviewer: Your resume only has "Mad" under "Skills" Me: Yeah boyee Interviewer: *tears up* You're just what we need. Welcome to Subway.