I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
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Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks