-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
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are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Bringing home a sharpie
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.