I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
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My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Something Saturday.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Breaking news:
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.