@AndyKindler: "I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That's crazy." Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
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@Jacob_Swift16: I put a life-size alien doll in my passenger seat for halloween and I've caught myself talking to it 3 times
@AimeeHelene1: Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor* What happened?! Me: There was a spider.
@Smooheed: 'Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?'
@roostermustache: Kid: help my cat's stuck in a tree can you save him Me: of course little girl *throws bible at cat* do you accept jesus as your lord