“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
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I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Potatoes were such a good idea
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell