@NikkiGlaser: I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
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@kelkulus: The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
@ANNIEwayyyy: My mom recently figured out that the best way to get me to call her back right away is to text me that someone died but not tell me who.