I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
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“Huge”.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend