@NikkiGlaser: I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
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@ghostovpiss: what if spiderman shot spaghetti out of his wrists instead of webbing and worked at the olive garden
@SteveKoehler22: When you ask her "Have you ever read Shakespeare?" And she answers "No, who wrote it?" .... Keep moving.
@Celestinelea90: My heart says cheese dip but my jeans say for the love of god woman eat some celery.
@rohoxbaby: tip: glue a tiny mirror onto your drivers license photo so, when you hand it to the cops, they will get confused & arrest themselves instead