I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
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commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.