I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
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I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.