I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
You Might Also Like
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.