I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
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Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
whatcha thinkin bout
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God