I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
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2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
me
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Worth the read.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I just ran a .003048K