@AnOrangeSNES: I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
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@stuckinaportal: [mastercard commercial] "there are some things that money can't buy" politician: i don't get it
@MrSandeepP: My ex is going to make some guy very happy one day but completely miserable the rest of the time.
@DeeDeeSpeaks: STOP EDITING YOUR PICS, what if you go missing? How tf can we find you if you look like Beyonce on Instagram but Waka Flocka in real life?
@dorsalstream: [while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]