@AnOrangeSNES: I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
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@ShawnGarrett: Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
@daemonic3: Don't get why guys complain about "sleeping on the couch" I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
@DomBorrett: Grandma: 'And that's how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home' Me: 'So you haven't seen my scarf?'