@AnOrangeSNES: I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
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@BostonFanJosh: Q: What's the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike? A: The place they are aiming at.
@DurtMcHurtt: "They're like a sponge at this age" I say to the parents of the baby I'm using to scrub dishes with.
@Parkerlawyer: My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat. So tonight I've had a six pack of red wine.
@offbeatoliv: I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.