I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
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Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I’ve had relationships like this
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
incredible book dedication
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
👾👾👾
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Yup.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season