I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
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When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
mom gave me mine for free
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.