@Brentweets: I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
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@laurenmacdonald: If I give my dog a toy that doesn't make an unbearably annoying noise she looks at me like I have no clue how to do anything right in life.
@AsYouNotWish: Wife: How many women have u slept with? Husband: Only you, Honey. With everyone else, I was awake.
@iLikeCatShirts: *throws a rock at a bird* Me [writing in "science" journal]: birds don't like rocks.
@evidentlyblonde: Open an ice cream shop with flavors like "don't be sad," "they're not worth it," "you deserve better" and see if people don't flock right in