I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

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@Brentweets: I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

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@clemdytan: My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.

@josswhedon: Wait, women get the WHOLE DAY? Is that in every country? It's night where I am is it over can it be about me again

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@RidiculousSheri: You know what cats don't like? Blow dryers. You know what's funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat. Anyway, I lost an eye today.

@Tmoney68: The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE. I can't follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

@bridger_w: This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

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