@Brentweets: I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
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@onion_an: [jumps in getaway car after bank robbery] "They said no I couldn't have any money" Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
@abbycohenwl: Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour! - inventor of the baby catapult minutes before he was arrested
@ruinedpicnic: [catches spider in a glass] spider: omg are you going to drink me? me: oh no this is just to take you outside spider: me: spider: drink me
@AndyAsAdjective: Uncle Frank's will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store. He will be mist.