I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
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3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
You learn something every day
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.