@Mr_Kapowski: I hired a personal trainer and my first 2 hour-long sessions were just him teaching me how to properly cut the sleeves off my t-shirts
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@KeetRidley: If a tree falls in the woods and the wife's not there to witness it, it'll be my fault when i get home.
@generaldietz: Baby Soldier: Ma'am. Your husband is MIA. Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands* Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
@markedly: Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants. Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES