Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
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I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.