@Mr_Kapowski: I hired a personal trainer and my first 2 hour-long sessions were just him teaching me how to properly cut the sleeves off my t-shirts
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@johnbiehl: Alien: why should I not blow up this planet? Human: we are an advanced species A: how do you travel? H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
@NowAPisces: Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled "supplies!"
@DurtMcHurtt: Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa's "push it" and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.