@Mr_Kapowski: I hired a personal trainer and my first 2 hour-long sessions were just him teaching me how to properly cut the sleeves off my t-shirts
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@KindOfASmartass: If I don't make some serious changes to my life, they'll never let me into the gates of heaven. So who can teach me how to pick a lock?
@XplodingUnicorn: [watching "Cinderella"] 5-year-old: Why does she keep cleaning the floors? Me: Her stepsisters make her. 5: She should just buy a Roomba.