I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
You Might Also Like
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Mistakes were made
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms