@RickAaron: I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
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@markedly: ME: This man's robbing me COP: No he's not M: He was doing it a second ago *puts robber's hand on wallet* come on why aren't you robbing now
@KateWhineHall: Calls for kids: Nobody responds. Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what's for dinner when it's 9 am.
@sixthformpoet: I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.