I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
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I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god