@NikiWithIssues: I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
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@djdarrellripley: Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car! Me: Have you ever had an accident? Her: No, I'm on the pill. Me: (Sigh)
@DanMentos: “how was self-deprecating rap battle?” I don’t want to talk about it “come on what happened?” they saw my porsche "oh ouch"
@JanineEB4: People should come with disclaimers like: May cause drowsiness or Will end up sleeping w/your bf or May induce homicidal ideations
@FatherWithTwins: *overheard from the other room 8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich? Grandma: Did you finish your dinner? 8yo: No Grandma: Just one then