I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
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I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.