I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
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The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
we did it you guys we saved daylight
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight