You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
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I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.