I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
You Might Also Like
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
me: my friends:
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.