@markhoppus: I hooked my fidget spinner up to my vape pen and The Millennials crowned me King of Avocado Toast
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@slimmy_shady: Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
@hello_saylor: Fact: it's impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You're all, "Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!"
@jimmy_boston: Wife: Did you measure for carpet? Me: Yeah, from the window Wife: Don't Me: To the wall Wife: Don't Me: tothesweatdripoffmyballs! *runs*
@jwoodham: Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.