Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
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Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
step 6: release the wall snake
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad