I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
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police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Monica just destroyed the internet
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
$4 #usedbooks
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters