I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
You Might Also Like
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.