I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
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were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
My favorite farside!!
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Hmmmmm
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.