They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
You Might Also Like
man: wait
time: no
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
can’t wait til they legalize outside
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.