Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
You Might Also Like
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
catch me on valentine’s day like
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
12. I think about this all the damn time