I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
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my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Simple
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.