I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
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Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
bout dat hot dog summer
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Very good! 👍😂
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?