@davidschneider: I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
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@JohnLyonTweets: Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
@Donnie_Fairburn: 911: What's your emergency? Me: I brought a girl home last night 911: That's not an- Me: NOW SHE WON'T LEAVE! *swat team busts down my door*
@ValeeGrrl: If you guys need me I'll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
@trevso_electric: Women! Can't live with 'em, can't sell 'em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.