I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
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Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
LA today:
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…