@Sarcasticsapien: I hope I die alone. I mean, you'd have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
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@thepunningman: [hamster construction site] "Colin, you seen Dave?" I left him manning the concrete mixer "Oh no" [cut to Dave having the time of his life]
@shanethevein: If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
@T_N_Crumpets: WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER ME to spider: I told you, you'll get your money. Leave my family out of this SPIDER: you've got 2days
@FatherWithTwins: My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I'm wondering if I should have married her instead.