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A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Gemma Correll
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist