Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
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Monica just destroyed the internet
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
so i’m at the stock market right
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I like to take long walks away from stupid people