In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
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Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Whisper out to librarians!
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
it must be school picture day
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not