@Hil439: I hope I never go to jail because I haven't memorized a phone number since 2006.
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@TurnpikeTony: I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
@bobvulfov: [getting out of prison after 10 years] GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
@TheTweetOfGod: "Why are all the good ones either married, gay or the Son of God?" - Mary Magdalene.
@SimplyEffortful: My husband: It'd be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner. Me: ooo!! Can we get one?