me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
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Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47